Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Milk Cube
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?