[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.