This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”