Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”