Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
won’t smith
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Doctors texting each other.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me driving through Toronto
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.