hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.