Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here