My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My background check bounced.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
wtf is a larm clock?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?