Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*