I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.