A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The honesty is refreshing
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.