A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point