I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop