My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same