Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Breaking news:
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking