If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
🖤✌🏽
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Saturday
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely