If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Festive toon…
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.