‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
(Musicians.)
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
never forget
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone