[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.