[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.