Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.