You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]