I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
sugar glider wrangler
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.