me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Go girl power!
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.