im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game