The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Oceanography is all about current events
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
me linking you to my twitter
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.