*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
✌🏽
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”