I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
so much to do
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Tremendous stuff
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.