Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside