ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣