OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!