me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
You Might Also Like
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Quadruple digit IQ
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”