If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
You Might Also Like
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
The Others (2001)
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”