I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
there’s probably a fee though
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁