Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.