remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Wise advice
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Yoga Matt
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.