Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*