me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Yes, this is exactly right
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.