If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point