*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN