If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
And bowling should be called pinball
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
still the best tweet of the year by far
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling