(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Wake me when AI does housework
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
They also CAN sing✌️
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic