Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I have no passwords left in me
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.