They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.