If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs