*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
we’re gonna need another temp
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village