There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You Might Also Like
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
181.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol