#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Received some very disappointing news today
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.