Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.