Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS